This is my story about my years of suffering from an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa and bulimia. I wrote it when I was a university student . There are many details that I did not include in this post simply because I didn’t want it to be too long, but if you got some questions, just go ahead. I hope my story will give a hope and encouragement for someone with an eating disorder. And sorry for my mistakes, English is not my native language.
My struggle with anorexia and disordered eating began at the age of 16. After a difficult times of depression, I decided to start a new life by going on a diet. I vividly remember that day when my eldest sister bought me a black jacket, but it was small for me. So I decided to lose some weight. Although, I was a completely normal weight – 45kg, 164 cm.
So I went on an incredibly restrictive diet (one small cup of food in one day) , while also increasing my level of activity significantly , by going out for exercises and jogging every day. Of course, weight came off quickly and I felt much more confident about my body.
In my mind, if I put back on the weight that I had lost, I would go back to feeling depressed. So I continued to strictly control my weight by writing everything what I ate in my diary. I continued to lose weight, till my weight was down to 29 kg. In order to not come back from where I started, I began avoiding all situations where food was present.
After some months I began realizing I had a problem. I knew it wasn’t normal that I was always counting calories of food (even chewing gum’s calories) and I was constantly focusing on how I could avoid my next meal. “I already ate” became my signature phrase.
Food and my weight were my obsession and virtually the only thing I cared about. Anorexia had 100% control over my life. But despite realizing I had a problem, I didn’t want to get help. I started to study more harder than before and I felt myself great! I had more power and control over my life than ever before.
After awhile I got problems with my health: thinning hair, absence of period, perpetually cold, weak muscles and bones, etc. I remember one day when we were on the beach my sister took pictures of me. When I saw these pictures I realized that people around me were staring at me because I looked horrible. And I realized that I am seriously ill and only after reading an article in Internet I understood that I am anorexic. Before I didn’t know anything about an eating disorder at all.
Finally, I decided to start to eat normally and it was an incredibly difficult choice for me. I forgot how to eat normally so I found a Russian site related to eating disorder and got some useful advice and information from there. Thanks to a supportive community, I felt that someone cares about my existence in this world.
Recovering was very difficult for me. I am from a small town and we don’t have any professional psychologists there. And unfortunately, my family wasn’t that supportive, so I was fighting alone. During my recovery from anorexia, I also suffered from bulimia, which helped me gain a lot of my weight back quite quickly. I think this is a common thing for people who are recovering from anorexia nervosa. And if you are suffering from an eating disorder now, I am 100% sure you can get better. Because I could do it (without anyone’s help) even it took me 6 years to get rid of anorexia and bulimia I DID IT for 95%! Most importantly is that my relationship with myself has improved and I am still learning to love myself.